Cars

“You bought a car that doesn’t work?”  Those were the first words from my daughter’s mouth when I inquired about the name of her boyfriend’s brother-in-law who works for a towing company in order to get a new car moved.  Kids.  By now, she should know me.  Yes.  I bought a car that doesn’t work…well, sort of……this one works fine if your goal is to go.  If you wish to stop, however, well….that’s a yet to be resolved issue that prompted the desire for the tow truck.  Make no mistake, I was fully aware of this prior to purchasing said car.  You see, I am what some people would refer to as a “car guy.”

In my case, the affliction takes the form of vintage automobiles.  My favorites are those of the 1935 through 1960 period.  Chrysler products, Volvos, Packards, Willys, and Studebakers……with a smattering of others as well.  Granted, there are exceptions to this rule…but my most beloved automotive exploits are definitely prewar and early postwar models.  While I have owned a variety of newer cars, sports cars, and trucks, I generally find that they serve their purpose well but offer no appeal or real interest to me.

For example, my business endeavors require a vehicle with ample enclosed cargo room and a tall rear door.  Practicality these days pretty much defines this as a van.  In terms of what is available in my area, said van will most likely be a Chevrolet or GMC cargo van.  On the used market, it will also likely be painted white.  Not because I want a white Chevy van….but because they are the most common cargo van used around here.  Every electrician, plumber, or other sort of contractor and delivery service has one–or several.  White vans are the cockroaches of fleet vehicles in this neck of the woods.  Drive across town and you are likely to encounter at least twenty of them at any given moment.  So, chances are…unless I am lucky enough to find something wonderful and functional (A late 1940’s International-Harvester Metro would be nice.) then I will likely end up with a white Chevy cargo van for doing my business work.  But, believe me, such a vehicle brings no joy to my heart.  Practical.  …but boring.

Well….at least such vans are cheap.  And because they are cheap, there is room in the budget for another vehicle (or two) that would be more enjoyable to use the rest of the time.  Which naturally leads me to a car that “doesn’t work.”  It is certainly not the first time.  Nor will it be the last.  No, this is not a midlife crisis thing.  I have been a collector–and daily driver, of classic cars ever since I could drive.  I have built cars from multiple hulks.  I have awoken cars and trucks that sat in the woods for years and driven them home.  Willys Jeeps.  Trucks.  Volvo PV444 and 544’s.  A couple of 122’s.  A beautiful 1939 Plymouth–the one car that simply made me feel good and certainly one I wish I still had.  And numerous others.  A few ran well as-is when I got them, many did not.  Some were basket cases.  And at least one had no reverse gear.  Like many things, once you got into it, there was no going back.

I presently have a somewhat ugly looking 1965 Dodge D-100 Truck with a home-built house on its back.  Nice heavy insulated wood construction.  It is a pain in the ass to drive.  But.  It always seems to start and work.  Even after sitting through an Alaskan winter.  Started right up.  Did not even need a jump start.  What endeared me to that truck?….why did I buy it?  Aside of it being useful, it had one of my favorite engines:  The Chrysler Slant Six.  And…it had a standard transmission.  The slant six is arguably the BEST automotive and light truck engine ever made.  Bar none.  They run “forever” as they say.  Had this truck had a V-8 (which actually would have been more practical since that nice wood house is so damn heavy!) I likely would not have bothered with it.  These days I do not even hardly drive it.  The camper house is being used for a HAM shack/storage area.  If I had a nice plot of land, I’d remove the house and use it as a cabin and then put a regular bed on that truck and drive it as a pickup.  But I keep it.  Yes.  I am a bit of a hoarder.  BUT.  It runs.  Starts right up.  If I ever need to drive it, I can.  It will likely continue to run after a nuclear holocaust.

Which brings me to my other point about old cars…or really, one reason I do not trust new cars even though I often use them.  Computers.  Yep.  All those computer controls that give amazing performance and features to modern automobiles.  FADEC, Full Authority Digital Engine Control.  Works great.  Except when it doesn’t.  Granted, it is not very often that these things fail.  But…sometimes they do.  And when they do, they are costly to get repaired.  Modern vehicles simply do not respond to the “shadetree mechanic” approach.  It is true, however, that they are pretty reliable really.  I can honestly say I have only had one majorly expensive electronic related failure in a modern car.  Not a bad track record really.  What I have had, however, are several “glitches” in a variety of modern vehicles.  Once, in the Excursion (Ford’s biggest SUV, and with the diesel, it is a wonderful long trip trailer pulling vehicle!)  I got in and when I started it up the climate control screens were dead and the A/C blower would not run.  I fiddled with it to no avail.  Got home and checked fuses.  No joy.  “This is gonna be expensive.” I thought to myself as I uttered a few choice words.  Upon doing some research, I learned this was a problem that at least a few others had suffered and some kind soul had published their “fix” for it.  So, following directions, I restarted the truck.  Climate controls were still dead.  I then switched the headlights to automatic…then to off….then to full manual on….then back to off.  At this point the climate control screens came back to life, the A/C blower worked and all functioned just fine.  I only had this happen two more times over the past year.  BUT!  WTF??!!!?????  Headlight switch.  Airconditioning.  WHY?  Why are these two related?  Who the hell thought this was a good plan?  Chances are, no one.  It was likely an unintended consequence of how the various units and sub-modules communicated amongst each other and the main computer.  You now know a secret.  Likely a secret that those in your dealership’s service department wish you didn’t.  With this knowledge, you won’t get soaked for an hour of labor to have someone flip your headlight switch to turn on your airconditioner.  In addition, this car developed another oddity:  Running the wipers on low or high was fine……but on intermittent you also got intermittent engine operations.  Yep.  The wipers could shut the engine off.  Really.  Then…just today….on my wife’s 2014 Subaru, an excellent car that we both love….we experienced a problem that even Google has no answer for:  The power steering would not work.  This car uses a conventional engine driven pump.  Belt was fine.  Fluid level fine.  No noises to indicate air in the system.  No leaks.  Not even terribly cold outside.  Yet, no power steering.  We went back to the house.  Upon parking, I shut the engine off.  Then restarted it.  And…  as if by magic, “Presto!”  The power steering is working perfectly and has continued to do so for the rest of the day.

Now, you may think this is all well and good.  Only minor glitches, and for the most part, easily resolved.  But that is not the point.  These things are beginning to behave like a HAL9000 and your name is “Dave.”  Just wait until they throw those self driving cars at you and you tell it you want to go someplace and it replies with, “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.”  Guess what?  You’re screwed.

But seriously, the biggest issue I see with the self driving technology is not gonna be a technology issue but a liability issue.  What if two self-driving cars hit each other?  Who’s at fault?  The occupants?  The manufacturers?  The city whose traffic control infrastructure was being used to direct the movements?  The programmers?  Well?  Who?  You and I know damn well that until some lawyers can suck up enough billable hours to answer that question on behalf of their insurance company clients that there will be no widespread deployment of this technology…and I am ok with that.  I love to drive.  For me, it is relaxing and enjoyable, even when it is a challenge.

So, today, I did in fact purchase a “car that doesn’t work.”

Or more technically, one that runs great but won’t stop.  This time it was a Buick.  I am not a huge GM fan, although I have owned a few over the decades….but this is an exception.  It is a 1953 Buick.  And….not to be too plain-jane about it…this one has the straight eight engine.  Anyone could have a V-8 powered car.  That’s boring.  But a straight eight?….what self-respecting car guy could pass that up?  Especially at a bargain that would have made Art Grindle proud.  Yep.  “Eight in a row makes it go!”

Not satisfied with having the typical fancied up vintage cars to look at in the garage and trailer to a show.  I seek out those that are a little less mainstream…and then I try to keep them in their original configuration, with only those modifications that suit my needs.  I drive them.  Daily.  All year.  I don’t just have a vintage car, I live with it and experience it in all it’s glory or misery.  I learn the quirks and features of the technology, its place in history.  There was once an ad campaign along the lines of “Not your father’s Oldsmobile.”  Well.  I may not know your father’s Oldsmobile….but I probably know the one your grandfather or great-grandfather had.  I know what breaks and why, and how to fix it–improvising with whatever is on hand if I must.

As for the Buick, I’ve never had one before.  I’ve only had three other experiences with Buick, one that I borrowed a few years ago.  Another that was buried and set up with a pipe going into it for use as a septic tank at the place I lived at in Fairbanks.  (A “Puick”)…yes, really….it’s an Alaska thing.  And…back when I was a kid, my grandmother had one.  When I would stay over we would get up at some ungodly hour of the morning like 0400 (a time that simply should not be marked on clock faces) and then go to IHOP for breakfast….then…right about 7am, we would begin driving around looking for garage sales in the area.  We used that tank of a car, pulled out of an ancient garage prior to closing the very heavy single slab of a wood door that could have crushed us all.  I remember the green paisley-like upholstery and the rumble of what must have been 425 cubic inches of internal combustion growling at me while making some sheik a pile of money before we reached the end of the driveway.  Perhaps this one will go out in the mornings to visit a few garage sales as well.  But not at 4am.  I’m done with 4 am.