I have a friend who periodically will make a facebook post in regards to some ailment or bodily condition. Usually these are worded as if a note from the boss to an employee. They may deal with a minor nuisance or in some cases those days where you are convinced that every cell in your body is waging a revolt against you. I promise that if you’ve not yet experienced this, one day you will…..and it will suck…it will make your worst hangover seem like your best day ever and it will make the poor decisions that caused it seem like epically good life choices. In any case, these posts are often spot on and sometimes amusing. Occasionally these posts receive comments from others and sometimes those too, are rather amusing…. especially if a back and forth exchange results. Today was one such occasion. Today’s note from the management was especially timely for me as it dealt with insomnia. Last night I did not sleep worth a damn. It happens. It really struck a cord with me. No, I did mean cord. C-O-R-D. Not the musical chord. That would at least sound nice. No, this is more like striking a cord….a power cord….with an axe. Yep. Hitting a power cord with an axe and letting the smoke and blue flashes out. ….while simultaneously turning off your computer before you saved your work. Because, well……that is just how it goes some days. So, given this, I felt compelled to take part of today’s note from the management, take a few liberties with it, expand upon it…and well, here it is retold in a slightly altered and embellished form for your enjoyment:
Mgmt: “Brain. I have to go to bed. Make the sleepy chemical, please.”
(time passes….multiple unanswered requests…)
“Brain. It is now 1:30am. For the 100th time. Make the sleepy chemical. Now. You useless lump of fuck.”
Brain: (@4:37am. smiling. happy. …and, dare we say, chipper.) “Good morning! We’ve received and processed your request. Your order should arrive at 1:30pm.”
Mgmt: “No! That is too late to be useful. Seriously. You guys have the worst customer service.”
Brain: “Sorry for the inconvenience. We value our customers and as a way to say “Thank you” we would like to offer you a second, complimentary order valid between 5:30pm and 7:30pm.”
Mgmt: “NO! I have things that I need to do. That time is completely unacceptable.”
Brain: “Are you certain? …this complimentary order also comes with our special bonus “Wide Awake” package starting at 2:00 am, it is our most popular weekend party package and it is yours, free of charge, just for being a loyal customer.”
Mgmt: “Weekend?!!!??? Party? What the hell is that shit!!??? Don’t you people use a goddamn calendar there?! It’s fucking Sunday night and I have to go to work tomorrow morning! Shit! What is wrong with you???? Seriously. Fuck.”
Brain: “Oh, I see. We really do value our customers and would like to also include an extra feature to help you through your evening: the “memory” package. This exciting feature allows you to vividly recall all those little things you thought were forgotten forever. You know, You are always complaining of not being able to remember stuff….well….problem solved! …That time you were talking about wonderful smells and then awkwardly farted in front of that guy you liked and he thought you were a freak and avoided you ever since?…or maybe that time you spilled coffee all over that 30 page report right as you set it on the boss’ desk? Or how about the time you forgot the lines in the school play and all the kids laughed at you? Now you’ll be able to remember all these things and more! Even those lines, you’ll be able to recite them perfectly now! All at once! As if they just happened! Right in the comfort of your own bed!! Good times. Great memories. You’ll love it!”
Mgmt: “GGGAAAAAAAA!!!!!! F@#$%%! Sonofabitch! BAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!” (beating pillow and wall until passing out from exhaustion)
Neighbor in next door apartment: “Hey! Keep it down over there. Some of us are trying to sleep!”
Mgmt: (now wide awake again…..and with a new awkward memory to add to the collection for next time)
Glad its not just me….js